Scream Proof! The Horror Movie Survival Guide

Machete wielding maniacs, sadistic games, and cursed videotapes have claimed their fair share of on-screen lives before the credits roll. These villainess tropes are staples of horror, and something audiences are willing to subject themselves to. Viewers understand the rules of the genre, often pointing out the fatal decisions characters make in the horror films they watch. However, if faced with a similar situation, given the vastness of tropes explored in horror, would you end up the final girl or be one of those on-screen fatalities?

With the unrated version of Saw premiering in theaters nationwide for the first time to celebrate its 20^th anniversary, we looked at five horror films and made a scream proof survival guide of how to get out alive.

5. Friday the 13^th (1980)

Ah, so you’re looking to be a camp counselor. A time when you can kick back, relax, and let loose. However, out of all the summer camps, you ended up at America’s deadliest one, Camp Crystal Lake. While you might look to increase that life insurance policy, or potentially protest for a machete-free work environment, there are a few tips that’ll increase your chances of surviving Friday the 13th if all else fails:

Abstain from anything NSFW. Contrary to popular belief, on screen killers do have a moral code. And Mrs. Voorhees is no exception. Keeping things PG during your time at Camp Crystal Lake will drastically increase your chances of making it to the third act. If offered any killer Kush, or a night out with a camp crush, just remember the punishment for these actions is death.
Don’t hitchhike. Trust us, once you enter Cunningham County it’s best to carpool with your fellow counselors or take a nice relaxing walk to Camp Crystal Lake. Take it from Annie Phillips who met her untimely end after hitching a ride with Pamela Voorhees, the residents of this town view you as a walking corpse.
Stay away from the water. Cue Friday the 13^th slasher music. Jason and Crystal Lake have a complicated relationship. On the one hand, Jason drowned in the lake as boy, and on the other, he loves to drag unsuspecting swimmers down to the depths. So, leave your bathing suit at home and spend more time reading the Bible in your cabin.

4. Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (1922)

Wanting that next big Eastern European adventure, or just a relaxing stroll in the German countryside? It sounds like the perfect way to cash in on those hard-earned vacation hours. However, you didn’t anticipate crossing paths with a blood-sucking ghoul from Transylvania named Count Orlok. This bald vampire with pointy ears, white irises, thick eyebrows, sharp teeth, and long claws will certainly cause some damage if not dealt with accordingly. Here are our tips for surviving Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror:

Garlic is your friend. Not only does garlic taste great, but it also helps ward off vampires and the plague Count Orlok likes to spread. Load up on those carbs with some garlic pasta and keep a few cloves tucked away in your clothing.
Crucifixes, stakes, and holy water. They are the staples of any good Vampire hunter, and arguably the best way of protecting yourself if caught off-guard.
Sunlight. Vampires and that ball of fire in the sky are mortal enemies. Trust us, travel during the day, and if you want to resume your European vacation, lure Count Orlok into the sun or pick up a sad lamp at the local store.
Don’t invite strangers into your home. Crucifixes, stakes, holy water, and garlic are great ways to defend yourself, but all that goes out the window if you invite Count Orlok into your place. Vampires are cunning, so it’s best to keep to the stranger danger policy for the time being.

3. Ringu (1998)

Did you accidentally watch a cursed videotape? Have a weird cryptic message in your inbox from a girl named Samara? Sounds like you might have only seven days to figure out what’s going on before you meet your paranormal demise. Fear not, because we have a few vital survival tips for making it out alive in Ringu (1998).

Don’t watch the sketchy videotape that showed up at your house. It’s not the lost episodes of your favorite television series.
Sharing is caring. Make a copy of that tape and share it with your unsuspecting friends. Samara just wants to be a global icon and is willing to kill for it. So do yourself and her a solid and share that tape with as many people as possible… and in doing so you extend your own life.
Investigate the origins. Have a bit of a moral compass? Or an itch to uncover the truth? Try investigating the origins of the cursed tape. Understanding the curse might unlock the key to breaking it.

2. Ready or Not (2019)

The simplest survival tip of them all… Don’t get married.

1. Saw (2004)

Found yourself chained to a pipe in a bathroom? Or maybe you’ve woken up with a reverse bear trap on your head. If you answered yes to any of these questions you might’ve been kidnapped by Jigsaw and being forced to play a game for your life. Fortunately, there are a few tips to help you survive Saw:

Don’t cheat on your significant other. No matter how attracted you are to the medical assistant at work, the risk is not worth the reward. Trust us, if Dr. Gordon had known he’d be chained to a radiator in a dingy bathroom he wouldn’t have cheated on his wife.
- If you can’t control yourself, we suggest using blackout curtains to avoid any unwanted people spying on your devious acts.
Don’t harm yourself. Stay away from drugs, hurting yourself, or anything else that Jigsaw would deem as self-destructive.
Play by the rules. We get it; not everyone’s perfect, so if you find yourself in a troubling situation, the best way to get out alive is to follow the instructions.
Stay calm. Seriously, 80% of Jigsaw’s contestants die because they panicked and didn’t see the trip wires.
Check all the dead people in the room. The key to making it out alive is being observant. Check your surroundings and don’t trust anything.
Find a good therapist…

There you have it! Our scream proof survival guide for some of horror’s most infamous on-screen killers. Sign up for our newsletter to keep up to date with all our events.